Bath Night Confessionals

 

I love my weekly bath nights, but I have been going into them with the intention of healing the stuff that is keeping me from moving forward in my business. As is usually the case, it had absolutely nothing to do with business strategies, funnels or marketing.

It had everything to do with me. Last Thursday, I had a very intense experience that brought up a lot of emotions. You can watch that video here, if you are interested. But more importantly it brought up a new aspect of healing that I was ready to deal with.

All of my shitty relationships.

All the verbal, emotional and sexual abuse that I had received when I started dating. I actually thought that was love. My dad was very emotionally disconnected most of the time. He had his own trauma that kept him from being able to love, but I didn’t understand or have the capacity to at such a young age. So I thought love was distant, angry and sometimes mean. I didn’t know that love from a man could be gentle, tender and expressive.

So I choose men that we distant, void of feelings and often times I got myself into situations that made me feel very alone and broken.

When I went into my sacred bath space tonight, I brought all of those issues with me. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew it was going to feel like shit. And I knew there were going to be lots of tears.

I filled the bath and poured an excessive amount of sea salt and himalayan salt into the water, hoping it would finally get me to the point that I could shift this huge hurdle that I have been slowly climbing over the past year.

I knew if I could get to the root of my feelings of unworthiness that I would shift things in a big way. I had taken many baby steps, that felt like huge steps already. They were preparing me for tonight.

Before I began, I actually called my Dad and my Grandma (both have passed), my angels, spirit guides, animal guides and the highest light beings into the space. I knew they were waiting for this moment, and anticipating just as much as I was. So I began.

I started with the memories that came up last Thursday with my relationships in my early 20’s. Then it began to go deeper and deeper. Eventually, getting to me at 3 years old feeling the most intense sadness that I wasn’t loved. I was heartbroken that my Daddy didn’t want to talk to me, hold me and love me.

I was scared into accepting Jesus into my heart around the same time, finding out about hell and if I didn’t I would go there to burn forever. So not only did I not have love from my dad, but I found out that Jesus would only love me, limited 3 year old understanding, if I asked him into my heart.

This meant to me for the rest of my life, until this moment that love was mysterious, love was scary, love was confusing, love shifted and sometimes love just wasn’t there but I was supposed to act as if that was ok.

I could see a monster (I got this concept from Morgana Rae and her Money Monster/ Money honey work) and I asked him to remove his mask. Then I saw my Dad. I knew he was not a monster, but he was the source or the root of all the pain and sadness that I was healing.

It all came to a head! All those limiting, irrational beliefs that were formed in my 3 year old mind, came pouring out of me through tears. I finally saw that my whole love life was actually built by the limited perspective of my 3 year old self.

In the bath I felt like I was able to go back to that moment being 3. I cried and felt all the pain, then I was able to heal, feel and shift all the memories that were attached to that moment up to date.

Trust me, I didn’t WANT to feel these feelings. I just wanted them to go away. I wanted the whole thing to go away. But I have buried my head in the sand for so long now, I know there was no other way to get through this one.

So I felt. I felt the sadness, the pain and I didn’t try to bury it again. I never wanted to feel it again, so I knew I had to go deep enough that it was all felt.

Then the sadness for my kids began, realizing that I choose a husband that has created the exact same situation for my kids. I know that my healing will shift that for them, unlike my experience.

Then it was done.

I breathed deeply, and it was gone. The pain, the sadness, the experiences, the void, the loneliness. It was all gone. I could breath again.

I was content.

This is the most powerful work that I know of. I have tried so many “modalities” but this intense healing has only happened since I started using my own inner guidance to go deeper into my inner child, transform the memories, give them new roles and shift the entire foundation of limiting beliefs.

I knew that once I had this experience it was not just for my own healing, but for whoever reads this. I know that on the surface it is easy to focus on the rhythm, creating new rituals and just trying to push all the feelings aside. But true peace and contentment can only be felt once the healing of feeling the intense emotions is complete. This is not for everyone, but for those that are ready, know that it is possible.

I love you.

I am honored to be able to share this journey with you.

You are so magically special.

In so much gratitude and contentment,
Stephanie

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