My heart has certainly gotten hardened over the years…I used to be much more open and loving. To the point where my heart chakra was overactive! I surrounded myself with other fun-loving hippies in my teens and young adulthood. I had little to no emotional boundaries. My fear of having a softer heart again is to be taken advantage. I fear I can’t trust I will hold boundaries for myself in regards to giving away my love and energy. I pretty much operated without emotional boundaries into my twenties. This resulted in my marrying a person out of what I now realize was simply insecurity who turned out to be abusive. Waaaaaaaaay back in my unconscious I think I believe as a result that my loving can cause abuse, if I’m being honest. This was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me! After my divorce was final I met my husband when neither of us wanted anything to do with marriage again after both being divorced from abusive marriages. However, ironically, going through those periods previously in our lives helped us understand each other. My husband had children from his previous marriage and I did not. The honeymoon phase of being a stepmom was challenging due to circumstances but the kids and I got along really well…really well until I actually became a stepmom not just dad’s girlfriend lol. We had two children together and shared custody of his kids with his ex-wife, who has borderline personality disorder. What she has done psychologically to her children is a crime in my mind! They are simply possessions to her that feed or detract from her own ego and will use them and their belongings as pawns…but I digress. I feel like my step-parenting relationship was doomed due to this. That there was no real chance to have a good relationship with my stepchildren when their mom tells them I worship the devil, am going to hell, am evil…no literally. I poured myself into winning their love and developing a friendship as a stepmom with them. It was met with continued avoidance, resistance, abuse and other types of detachment. I completely understand mentally why they acted this way. My heart on the other hand doesn’t fully agree…I’m still hurt from how they have treated their dad and myself. I know they are “just” kids but it still hurts when older children reject your love.
So now I meditated and my heart was a geode! A rough, chunky lackluster rock on the outside but an amazing crystal inside! Strong yet beautiful in it’s fragility. The continued pressure under the earth created the geode’s crystal over a very long period of time just as the challenges in my life taught me boundaries to love myself at that same time I was loving others!