My morning musing the the Mother:
Oh sweet mother, It feels like months since I have felt your energy close to mine. I have been wandering in the void of life, yet inspired and eager for each day with the raising of the babies. The baby chicks, now bunnies. It brings new life and an eagerness to create connection. I so needed that connection.
I realize that my life, every moment of my life, is to please others. Yet, coming to this property, each day, I am more tuned in with my own desires. The nap in the hammock by the creek was a pleasure to myself yesterday.
Before having kids and meeting Travis, I was so focused on being a mother, to have children of my own, that I missed out on the most precious years of my life! Freedom! The freedom to go and do anything I desired, was drowned by this intense need to fulfill the void of being loved.
So I sought out the love I so longed for by over giving and people pleasing. Often to the point of feeling, ill and guilty within my own being.
I have shifted into an energy that I am seeing is ripe and pregnant with anticipation. I am seeing the joy that truly being has in my life.
I can see how often I guilt those I love the most, to try to make them feel sorry for the fact that I put myself last. I am seeing that what I am doing in the moment is truly my choice, and I am finally owning up to my time.
If I don’t want to be somewhere or do something, it is my choice. I do not need to guilt those I love, not that it works lol, into feeling sorry for the amount of work I put onto myself.
I can release it all, and still be perfectly worthy. It seems to always come down to worthiness. If I feel like I am not being seen, loved or appreciated, then I must be unworthy. It is all about how I see myself though. Not how others see me.
I am seeing myself in a new way. A way that does not live to serve others to the point of exhaustion. A way that releases me from the chains of bondage of living the way I think others want me to live or be.
I am seeing the beauty in the life of disconnect from modern living a true blessing. I can be content with the Earth under my feet, the sky above me and the trees as my house. I see that I am being pulled ever deeper into the way of nature, leaving behind the years of trying to keep up with a force that has never helped me be whole.
I am unraveling into the feminine. The way of water. The phases of the Moon. The pulse of the Earth. The truth of who I am.
No longer needing to evangelize to others my right way of being. Just silently stepping into the spiral of loving arms of the Mother.