Last night I was woken up by loud clashes of thunder and flashes of intense lightning out my window. Followed by a loud alarm clamoring from my phone: TORNADO WARNING!! This is our second actual warning that has gone off since we have lived full time here. We woke the kids and put them under our bed in the bus, as this is the safest space we have right now. And we watched the weather radar and listened to Andy Hill on YouTube. When the kids heard our county, followed by towns that they know around us, they perked up. That is us they are talking about. Luckily, it went south east of us by about 30 miles and we all went back to sleep. Which brings me to once more being hyper present to my life. And why I haven’t been writing as much as I thought I would.
I am being present to my life. Really present. I am being. Feeling. Experiencing. Sometimes the feeling is one of pushing away, others it is of pulling in. But what is not there, is the need to make money. I have no desire to live a life that the only goal of my actions is to create an intake of money. Which if we are really honest, this is what drove 99% of my behavior over the past 20 years. This is the culture that I was raised. To be a good citizen, then I will be a good producer and a good spender. When I was a child, I used to make pretty good money babysitting. I would save my money, very cautiously saving to buy real baby clothes, diaper bags and accessories from “toys r us” for my baby dolls who I brought with me everywhere. I didn’t care about money. I just wanted to enjoy playing and being.
I made it. I made it to my dream life of playing and being. The house that Travis is building us is one of playfulness and adventure. To be able to lounge in a hammock or avocado swing. To climb a ladder to the loft to sit in front of a window that you can watch the stars and storms rolling through.
As we see the financial, political and environmental worlds falling apart, Travis and I have the deep and intimate feeling of gratitude. We feel like we made it in time. This land will still take a few years to produce all the food that we will need to live completely sustainable but we are here. Everyday it is becoming clear that the pursuit of living off grid on a piece of land that sustainably grows food was not a whimsical desire. It was a need. A deep intuitive need that pushed and grew us over the past 14 years. This journey was not easy. I had bouts of depression when I felt like I was going backwards. I had doubts that this would actually happen. I often couldn’t see what was over the next obstacle and would in turn surrender to the unknowing making that obstacle disappear much faster.
Releasing my need to control all the outcomes and pushing my agenda, was what ultimately created the ability to be in this moment right now. Fully present. I am watching my 2 chickens, 30 chicks and 3 ducklings all enjoy the freshly laid mulch that I put down in our “front yard” that was soaked from last nights storm. I am in awe that their is a 2 story building in front of me that is becoming a place of comfort. Each blade of grass and new green plant that pops up through the soil, I get to meet as a new or returning friend. I feel wrapped in love in this land. And it is because I have finally been able to love myself. I have been able to fully accept who I am, not who I think I should be or what I think others want me to be, but fully be me. And it can feel raw and vulnerable. Especially since I am a recovering people pleaser and over giver. Saying no, resting and being available for myself have been experiences that I have had to practice and implement.
I know that this moment was made possible by all the aspects that I learned along the way, which are slowly going into the Spiral of the Year planner and Daily Devotional. I thought I would just be writing all day long, but I find that I am BEING all day long, with bouts of writing. I am no longer pushing my agenda. But when I get inspiration I can easily get a few days worth of “work” in a couple of hours. I am allowing this process to come through me, rather than controlling how the process will work for me. I can feel the difference.
As I write this I know that their are amazing women who are allowing, releasing, being, and often controlling the situations around them, yet whatever is happening in your life it feels amazing that we are all in this journey together still.